


Guide Me Home (Guard My Heart)

by Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sentinels & Guides, Bonding, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Guide Tony Stark, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, M/M, Marvel Trumps Hate 2018, Mutual Pining, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, sentinel bucky barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 11:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18120215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirlyssa/pseuds/Iron_Eirlyssa
Summary: After HYDRA, Bucky's Sentinel gifts are out of control, and nothing appears capable of helping. He keeps falling into Zones, but none of the Guides that SHIELD continues bringing in are able to form even a superficial bond with him, instead ending up breaking down themselves. The only Guide capable of being around him for longer periods of time is Tony, and Bucky can't help butwant, even though he knows an attempt at a bond won't end in anything but pain for the both of them. So he'll keep his distance, no matter how much he wants to get closer.Tony, in the meantime,longs. But he knows he's no good as a Guide, knows that Bucky deserves so much more than him. So he'll stay away, even when all he wants is to get closer.





	Guide Me Home (Guard My Heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IgnisAlis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IgnisAlis/gifts).



> My second Marvel Trumps Hate commission, requested by the amazing [IgnisAlis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IgnisAlis), who wanted a WinterIron fic with Sentinel/Guide and mutual pining, so here it is!! Thank you incredibly much for bidding on me and donating to charity!
> 
> In case anyone is unfamiliar with Sentinel/Guide stories, there's a brief explanation [here](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Sentinel_AU) that you can read. I hope you enjoy the story!

_Guide_ ❣ _Sentinel_

Tony could feel Bucky - he always could. As much as the former Winter Soldier attempted to keep his own mind steady, HYDRA had made it near impossible for him.

Unfortunately, that same _need_ for a proper Guide to get his head on right made it all the more difficult to find one that could stand to be near him for any period of time, let alone bond with him. So far, none of the ones SHIELD had brought in had been able to, and even the other Avengers-related Guides had ended up needing to give up.

On his better moments, Bucky felt like a patch of nettles - as long as you didn’t touch them, you would probably be fine, but it took careful maneuvering. At most of his other moments, it felt almost like being dragged through shards of broken glass.

He wished he could help Bucky, honestly. However bad it felt to be around the Sentinel, it must be so much worse to be the man himself, constantly suffering from spikes of his senses and crashing back into what could only be called an approximation of a Zone, considering what HYDRA had done to him. It was clear he was suffering, and without the despicable methods that HYDRA had used to get him out of his Zone without the use of a Guide (methods that none of them were willing to use), it was nearly impossible to help him.

Even from a distance, Tony could feel the way the Guide currently trying to help out was cracking under the pressure. He wouldn’t be able to handle Bucky either, like every other Guide before.

With a sigh, he pulled away from his work. Of course, Tony knew there wasn’t anything he could do, not considering who he was, despite how much he absolutely longed to. But he couldn’t sit there, _feeling_ Bucky suffer, without at least… Well, he could be there, hopefully show at least some support. Especially for Bucky, who had been through way too much and who was still trying _so_ hard to be better and who deserved so much better than they were able to give him.

It was honestly painful to see how much he was suffering, how much he was trying to deal with, when at his better moments he _shined_. Despite his pain and distress, there were flashes of endless kindness, of a sense of humor that had Tony in stitches, of a warmth that made Tony want to burrow in and never leave.

Far too often, however, that true essence of _Bucky_ was utterly buried underneath anguish.

Just as he got upstairs, the newest Guide was making his way out of the building, Sam right with him and trying to stabilize him as much as possible. Tony tried to keep himself as closed off as possible - something he wasn’t able to maintain for long, but long enough not to put even more pressure on the beleaguered Guide. Sam was feeling somewhat grim, though it probably wouldn’t be noticeable to most others.

“Is he gonna be alright?” he asked Sam, rather hating there wasn’t more that he could do to help anyone involved.

The other man looked at him, forcing a smile on his face. “Sure thing, he just needs to be out of here and spend some time with one of the therapy Sentinels,” the other Guide assured him. Tony just nodded, watching him help the other out of the building and into the waiting car. He wondered how long it would take SHIELD to send a new attempt, especially one that they actually thought might work out.

Sighing again, he headed into the wing that held Bucky and the others. As a Sentinel, Steve wasn’t as bothered by things as Guides were, and after things had gone a little too wrong a few times before, Bucky had insisted on having him in the room when a bond was attempted.

Off to the side, he could see Clint, Natasha and Coulson. With their triad bond, Coulson was one of the few Guides that could stand to be around Bucky for a longer period of time without succumbing, though Tony knew that it did hurt him somewhat. He went to stand by them, though keeping some distance, and looked through the observation window. Bucky was in a corner, his strong body trembling and his hands holding his head, with Steve sitting across from him. “Is there even anyone that could still try?” he asked them, skipping over the redundant ‘so this one didn’t work either, huh?’.

Hell, they should be grateful he skipped the ‘I told you it wouldn’t work’.

Coulson gave him a blank look. He might not have said it, but Tony was well-aware he projected way too much for an experienced Guide like Agent to miss anything.

“Two more that are possibilities,” Natasha told him, though he could feel how much she did not believe that either would work. “But after all of the failures, not to mention the fact that everyone who’s attempted any kind of bond with him has required _at least_ two weeks of assistance before stabilizing again, they’re hesitant to try.”

“It’s just…” Clint grimaced. “They try, and it seems to go… you know, not great, but like there could be a chance. But then he has to focus on his senses, and he falls into a Zone, and they can’t stabilize him.”

A quick glance down confirmed that both of them were holding one of Coulson’s hands - it wasn’t a display they usually permitted themselves, but the Compound was a safe place for them, and it helped stabilize their Guide from what he’d been feeling from Bucky. As much as the stoic Agent would never show a weakness, there was no way any Guide around hadn’t felt Bucky crashing again.

Inside the room, Bucky was whimpering ever so softly, appearing unable to help himself. His face was pressed into his knees, strong hands tangled into his hair, and Tony knew that Steve would stop him the moment he started pulling. Hopefully, since another’s touch tended to send him even deeper into a Zone, it wouldn’t be necessary.

He grimaced. More than anything, he wished he would be able to be of some help, _any_ help. Bucky deserved so much better than he was getting. But he knew he was lucky his nearness didn’t bother Bucky - attempting to bond with him was just a disaster in the making, and he knew it. He was absolute crap as a Guide, and Bucky couldn’t even handle the ones that at least had some control of themselves. With Tony, as much as he wished things were different, there was no doubt it’d be even worse.

More than anything, though, Tony _wanted_. He covered it up well enough, the way he’d at least learned to do to some extent with the feelings he didn’t want anyone knowing about, but he just… wished there was a way to help Bucky. Hell, no matter how much SHIELD wanted to keep Bucky safe and protected and _secret_ , Tony was _this_ close to calling in some favors and get some people to the Compound who might be able to help out.

“It… might be better, if you’re not here,” Natasha suggested, more tentative than usual.

The smile that spread across Tony’s face was somewhere between wry and bitter. “Yeah, alright, I’ll just be in my room, pretending I don’t exist.” It came out rather sardonically, and he could _feel_ the way they had to control their initial, biting reactions.

And of course, this was exactly the reason he would be of no help whatsoever, exactly the reason he wasn’t recommended. Tony turned sharply, before things could get even worse, and made his way back down to his workshop, where he dropped into his desk chair. It was moments like these that he couldn’t help but _hate_ Howard for what he’d done.

No one knew, of course. Aside from Rhodey, he knew they thought he projected the way he did on purpose, wanting to put people on edge. Rhodey himself had been the one to help him out, back when he’d presented as a Guide, and Tony knew he’d have gone insane if it hadn’t been for his friend. Nothing had mattered to Howard, after all, except that he either had a Sentinel for a son, or no gift at all. Finding out that he would present as a Guide when he was tested, well… Let’s just say the man hadn’t been pleased.

Sometimes, it was almost hilarious to Tony. Howard had thought Guides too soft, too _sensitive_ , and so he’d somehow ensured that the trainer the Center had sent would not train Tony at all, as though that would change how he would present. And now, due to that lack of training and the fact that Tony was unable to deal with his own gifts, the entire _world_ knew that Tony Stark was a Guide, although a bad one.

He wasn’t likeable. Having been left untrained, he wasn’t quite able to control himself, and he projected a lot. Where other Guides were able to soothe people (and a Guide as strong as he was should be able to soothe them out of the worst anger), he couldn’t help but rub people the wrong way as well. It didn’t help that the ways that worked for Rhodey did _not_ , in fact, work for Tony - everyone had their own methods to remain stable, but Tony hadn’t learned which would work best for him. So he was stuck making people hate him even as they found him charming, making people angry even as he tried to calm them down, making people unhappy even as all he wanted was to make them happy.

One small favor, perhaps, had been the fact that it meant the Ten Rings hadn’t been able to do as much to him as they wanted. Because Tony wasn’t able to bond with a Sentinel, they had been unable to force him into a bond. Ironically, he imagined he felt to Sentinels the way Bucky felt to Guides - piles upon piles of broken glass, just waiting to cut into them. Just waiting to tear them into pieces, the way he felt like he’d been torn into pieces.

Yeah, he _really_ wished he’d be able to help Bucky. Tony might not deserve better, but Bucky certainly did. Hell, Bucky deserved the world and more.

But maybe there was at least something he could do, however small a gesture it was.

_Sentinel_ ❣ _Guide_

When he returned to his own mind, Bucky wondered how long it had been. It felt like his Zones kept getting longer, as well as more painful. With no way of getting pulled out of them, he simply kept getting lost in them. He didn’t _want_ to miss HYDRA, and mostly he didn’t, but at least they’d never allowed him to be in a Zone for too long.

Keeping his breathing steady, he looked around. Steve, as usual, was sitting in front of him. Behind the one-way mirror, he could hear the three heartbeats he could easily identify as being Agent Phil Coulson, Black Widow Natasha Romanoff, and Agent Clint Barton.

A few times before, he’d made the mistake of trying to keep going, identifying everyone in the building, which had pulled him straight back into another Zone. This time, he made sure to focus on Steve’s familiar heartbeat, the way his breaths moved steadily through his lungs, to help keep himself stable enough to speak up. “How’s th’Guide?” His voice was rough, and his throat felt like it had been torn apart even though he _knew_ he hadn’t screamed. He never did.

“Sam helped him out - they’re on their way to SHIELD right now. He’ll be fine,” Steve assured him, his voice no more than a whisper in an effort not to overwhelm him.

Bucky couldn’t help but grimace. Another failure. Another confirmation of the fact that no Guide would ever be able to deal with him. Hell, both Sam and Phil often spent time outside of the compound just because they couldn’t deal with feeling him all the time. He knew the only one who stayed around was Tony, whom he could feel constantly, considering his time with HYDRA had made him extremely sensitive to the presence of a Guide.

He felt kind of bad about the way he sometimes used Tony to tether himself to reality. Thinking of the other man, even without any kind of bond between them, often helped stabilize him.

While both Sam and Phil were somewhat uncomfortable around him, their tension obvious even when they tried to hide it, Tony seemed as much at ease with him as with anyone else. He talked to Bucky the same way he would others, joking and sarcastic and occasionally cutting. Even his abilities seemed to work exactly the way Bucky needed, like reaching a space inside him that needed soothing that he was completely unable to touch himself.

Of course, he knew he couldn’t have Tony. Not as a partner, and especially not as a Guide. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for Steve begging, as well as the fact that he kept falling into Zones no one could get him out of that were growing increasingly dangerous, he might have sworn off trying to bond with a Guide at all.

Despite that, he was free to admire Tony from a distance, of course. As long as he didn’t get too close, didn’t hurt another person, didn’t destroy another possible bond by Zoning out and crushing them, he could appreciate everything that Tony was without chasing him away. How generous, how gorgeous, how incredibly _brilliant_ in every possible way. Honestly, aside from the fact that Steve was here and still as supportive as ever, Tony was probably the single best thing the future ever could have been.

“You feeling better?” Steve pulled him out of his musing, still whispering. Without really having paid attention to any of it, Bucky’s breathing and heartbeat had steadied, and his muscles had stopped tensing as much.

“Little,” he forced out.

Fortunately, Steve was used to dealing with his lack of verbosity after Zones. “That’s good,” he breathed, sounding like he actually meant it. “That’s great, actually.”

All Bucky could do with that was hum noncommittally. He sure as hell wasn’t feeling great.

“I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, but… This Zone, it only lasted twenty-three minutes, Buck. And you got yourself calmed right after real quick, too. Maybe you’re getting better at dealing with them by yourself.”

As much as he loved Steve’s optimism, he didn’t quite share it. But he didn’t currently have the energy to tell his best friend that the Zones kept feeling worse. Having to wait to come out of them naturally was an option, but HYDRA had made it more difficult for him to soothe himself out of one, and getting out of Zones without a Guide to help out always left a Sentinel feeling drained.

Dozens of Zones later, and Bucky was starting to feel ready to go to sleep and just… not wake up for a long while. If he hadn’t been terrified of going back into cryo, he’d have asked by now, if only to get some rest.

“Do you want anything to eat, or drink?” Steve whispered.

Just as he did so, there was a faint tap of a nail on the door. Natasha, Bucky could tell by the heartbeat.

She entered a second later, the tap mostly to announce her presence. She was carrying what looked like a smoothie of some sort, though Bucky couldn’t quite tell what was in there and didn’t want to focus too much on his sense of smell for fear of falling into another Zone. Despite everything, he trusted her enough not to have done anything to his food. “Tony sent one of his robots with this,” she told them softly. “I thought I’d bring it in, in case you wanted it.”

The glass was cool to the touch, and even without focusing, Bucky could detect some of the ingredients - strawberry, mainly, as well as some apple and orange and mango, but not bananas because Tony knew he was still occasionally weirded out by the taste of them. There was even the tiniest streak of motor oil on the side of the glass, which smelled faintly of Tony.

It wasn’t too difficult after that to keep his attention on the present, to keep from hyperfocusing on any one thing.

“Thanks,” he told her after a few sips. With the drink soothing him, he sounded a little less gravelly than before. His muscles relaxed further.

Apparently, he had been deemed safe enough to approach. Steve and Natasha were usually the first ones around him, both capable of holding their own in case he were to get violent again. It was only after they estimated that it was safe enough to approach that Clint and Phil entered the room as well, though staying off to the side so as not to overwhelm him.

“Sorry that didn’t work out, man,” Clint told him. One thing Bucky really appreciated about him was that he was always genuine, and not afraid to get to the point. “Better luck next time, hopefully.”

A rueful smile pulled at Bucky’s mouth. “You sure?”

“About what?” Steve asked him, a confused frown on his face.

“Trying again.” As much as he wanted a Guide - even _needed_ one, probably - there had been so many failed attempts that Bucky was starting to lose hope. All he ever did was hurt them, though fortunately not usually physically.

“Bucky, _no_ ,” Steve breathed, trying to catch his eyes. “Please, don’t… Don’t give up. We’ll figure out a way, I promise. And I’m sorry it’s not quicker, but _please_ don’t give up on us.”

He sighed. “I keep hurting them.” While he wasn’t a Guide, and he couldn’t _feel_ it the way they did, he knew he hurt each and every single one of the ones that had attempted to bond with him. Hell, he’d insisted on Steve being in the room after he’d accidentally hurt one of them when he Zoned out when they attempted to bond, but he _knew_ he was still hurting them mentally.

“That’s not your fault, though,” Steve insisted.

“Still me doing it.” He knew it wasn’t his choice, knew he didn’t want to hurt any of them, but he ended up doing so anyway. And every time he agreed to come into this room, agreed to meet another potential Guide, he knew he ran the risk of hurting them one way or the other. He wondered if it was time to start choosing _not_ to do so anymore.

Although he wasn’t sure what he was projecting, it made Phil frown. “We’ll be very careful about the next selection. And they all know the risk attached to trying this - but they want to help. Please allow them, allow _us_.”

Combined with Steve’s pleading eyes, it was nearly impossible to say no to. And so Bucky ended up sighing, yet again. “Sure.”

He just wasn’t sure how many more times he could do this without breaking.

_Guide_ ❣ _Sentinel_

Tonight wasn’t the first time Tony ran into Bucky in the communal kitchen. It probably wouldn’t be the last, either, considering the way neither of them had any sort of proper sleeping schedule to speak of.

“What’s up, Winter Wonderland?” He didn’t bother pretending to pay less attention to Bucky than he actually did - at one point or another, he was far too likely to project something that made it clear anyway. And he knew that Bucky preferred the honesty, even if not always the kind of open scrutiny that came along with it.

Bucky gave him a vague impression of a smile. “They’re talking about bringing in another Guide next week.”

It took all of Tony’s focus to keep hold of the flare of hot jealousy that burned through him. “You don’t look too happy about it,” he remarked, trying to keep his voice casual. Every time this happened, it got more and more difficult, and he knew he had a problem. Honestly, he’d never be able to be with Bucky in any way other than friends, and a bond was _completely_ out of the question. So really, he should _not_ be jealous that Bucky might finally get some peace and happiness, even if it wasn’t _Tony_ providing that for him.

“It’s…” Tony could feel his conflicting feelings. Rather than going for the coffee, as had been his intention, he set the machine for the fancy hot chocolate he’d gotten. It wasn’t _as_ good as the genuine stuff, but it was definitely a lot quicker, which he felt was useful more often than not when it came to being part of the Avengers.

A few minutes later, he set down a mug in front of Bucky, sitting down with a second one. “Want to talk about it, or want to be distracted from it?” It was one of his standard lines with the Winter Soldier, and due to the fact that he’d never expressed any trouble with either choice, Bucky now felt a lot more secure actually telling him what he needed, rather than what he expected Tony to want to hear. And while it might not be much, it felt like a victory to Tony.

“Talk, but… I’m not sure how to say it,” Bucky confessed. “It’s… I’d say double, but there’s more than two things involved. More like… quadruple? Quintuple?”

“So, lots of feelings that you’re not sure about, huh?” Tony knew what that was like - he was notoriously terrible at talking about his own feelings. Hell, he’d developed his skills to make sure that even his projection tended to go a certain way, rather than reflect his true feelings in most cases. “Want to write out a list, or just… ramble?”

“A list would be nice, but I’m not sure I can do much more than ramble at the moment.”

“Well, that’s easy then,” Tony chirped, before Bucky could dig himself deeper into sadness for being unable to work things out the way he wanted to. “You ramble right ahead, and I work on a list for you. You can always add stuff to it later if you want, too.”

“Thanks,” Bucky said, and that grin was utterly _devastating_. Honestly, how could anyone look at him and not _want_?

Tony had absolutely no regrets as he listened to Bucky, who jumped from one subject to another and whose desperation was clear in every sentence he said. It made Tony wonder if anyone had allowed him to throw all of his thoughts out there, without interrupting or telling him it would all be alright despite there being no way to promise him that with certainty.

First, there was the fact that the others, and especially Steve, wanted to help him get better somehow. It hadn’t been successful so far, but it was obvious that Bucky was suffering and they wanted to help him, and the idea of refusing them made him feel bad even though he wanted to sometimes.

Second, there was the fact that he _was_ suffering. He wanted to have some hope that they’d be able to find someone that would work, but so far nothing had, and he’d rather started losing hope that there would ever be someone who could deal with him.

Third, Bucky was aware that the Zones were somewhat dangerous. Every time he had to wait to come out by himself, it broke him down a little further, making it even more difficult to deal with daily life, let alone a possible bond. But there was the chance that one day he’d be completely lost in one, unable to come out or, even worse according to him, hurting someone while in a Zone the way he had before without even realizing what he was doing.

Fourth, of course, was the suffering of the Guides trying to bond with him. Tony knew he’d accidentally ended up physically attacking one of the first ones to try to bond with him, and that the interference of Steve had kept him from hurting another, but there was also the fact that he hurt them _mentally_ and they spent at least two or three weeks with a therapy Sentinel to recover, if not longer. He didn’t want to hurt them, but he inevitably ended up doing so.

Which led them to the final point, which was the fact that Bucky had definitely noticed the way even the Avengers Guides were unable to spend too long around him. Even just by being _there_ , he was hurting people. (And Tony didn’t miss the throwaway mention of Steve, who Bucky remarked had probably hoped to get his old friend back, and instead he got the mess that Bucky was now.)

By the end of it all, Bucky was breathing heavily, but he did seem somewhat relieved to just have gotten it all out there without being interrupted or reassured or told that he shouldn’t worry. That was hardly Tony’s style, after all.

Rather than immediately talk, Tony got up to get them both another mug of hot chocolate. It might not be the healthiest option, but warm drinks did actually tend to help soothe, and he thought Bucky could use some soothing right about now. The other man was just sitting there, breathing. Tony was torn between hugging him and kissing him and he knew he couldn’t do either of them.

At that thought, he _knew_ he spiked a bit, but unlike most others, Bucky didn’t seem bothered by it.

The only way Tony could tell he noticed at all was the little twitch that was decidedly _not_ the flinch he would’ve expected. That… was definitely not the usual reaction he got when he accidentally projected.

“Sounds like a conundrum and a half, Snowflake,” he spoke up, deciding to ignore it the way he usually preferred to. “The ‘damned if you do it, damned if you don’t’ kind.”

Those ice-blue eyes assessed him for a few seconds, and Tony was almost afraid he’d bring up his lack of Guide skills the way most others ended up doing, but eventually Bucky just shrugged and looked down at his mug again. “Sure feels that way, yeah.” A frown pulled at his mouth, though he took a sip of hot chocolate before it could form fully. “And I’m not sure what to do about it.”

Tony breathed out through his nose, thinking. He was usually all about solving problems, but this one seemed… Well, everything involving humans tended to be more difficult than just nice, predictable (if complicated) science.

“On the one hand, a prerequisite for ever finding a Guide that works for you requires that you keep trying, and just… hope a bond might eventually work. On the other hand, if you stop trying, you need to figure out a way to deal with the Zones yourself that doesn’t leave you quite as drained, and maybe something to make it easier for Guides to be around you. Or something in the middle, that’d rule out Guides that definitely wouldn’t work before you attempt a bond that ends up hurting both of you,” he mused out loud.

“SHIELD’s trying on the selection part, but that’s not going too great. Anything I do wouldn’t help, though - unbonded Guides can’t really hang out around me for any longer periods, and even bonded ones have problems.” Yeah, that was definitely a problem. “Only Guide that doesn’t seem to have the same problem is you.”

Without consciously deciding to, Tony tensed up. He knew he was projecting as well, even though he tried not to as much as possible. “Yeah,” was all he replied, and he wasn’t quite sure what emotions he conveyed at the moment, except they weren’t positive.

There were a few tense seconds, where he was terrified that Bucky would suggest a bonding. Not because he didn’t want to - _damn_ , he wanted to - but because he knew he _couldn’t_. There was no way any bond with him would work, and considering the way Bucky tended to respond to an attempted bond with someone who wasn’t a complete waste of Guide skills…

Of course, Bucky was better than that. While Tony could feel his slight confusion, as well as his curiosity, he didn’t mention anything more. And just for that, Tony ~~loved~~ cared just a little more for him.

His slight flare-up had probably alerted at least some of the others as well, unfortunately. Because soon after, Steve casually walked into the kitchen, as though Tony couldn’t feel his slight worry.

Rather than get into another fight with the super soldier, as tended to happen in situations where Tony was already tense and on edge, he told the both of them goodbye and goodnight before heading back down to the lab. Where he cursed softly, because in his quick retreat, he’d forgotten to bring the coffee that had originally been the reason for his journey into the kitchen.

At least he remembered to send Bucky the list he’d created with FRIDAY’s help, so that was something.

Perhaps it was about time to go find himself a secluded location to allow himself to feel for a little, without having to worry about people picking up on things he didn’t want them to or hurting them. As he’d gotten older and stronger, even Rhodey’s presence hadn’t been enough of a shielding factor anymore to be able to let go - not to mention that it also hurt his friend more and more, which Tony never wanted.

One definite advantage of the Iron Man armor was that it had gotten a _lot_ quicker and more effortless to get somewhere to be on his own.

_Sentinel_ ❣ _Guide_

“I’m really not sure about it,” Bucky confessed. It grated a little to be so honest, and to show vulnerability, but things couldn’t go on the way they were.

He’d asked to talk to Phil and Clint, because one was a Guide affiliated with SHIELD and the other was not only one of the man’s Sentinels, stabilizing him when talking to Bucky, but also didn’t have trouble telling the truth and being honest without being too gentle about it. Bucky felt this conversation warranted that approach, rather than Steve worrying about him or Bucky himself worrying about Natasha profiling him and his weak spots.

“Afraid it’ll go wrong again?” Clint asked him, blunt but not unkind.

Noticing the slight grimace on Phil’s face at his Sentinel’s approach, Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle just a little. “Yeah. I mean, I have no doubt you’re trying your best, but by now you’ve probably also had your most likely candidates try and fail. I’m just… not sure the other ones won’t be the same, and I’m kind of over hurting every Guide coming near me.”

Except Tony, he thought, though he didn’t say it out loud. Whatever the story was there, he’d picked up on enough to know that it wasn’t a nice one. He wondered if Clint or Phil knew.

“We do understand that, however…”

Clint cut off his Guide, shrugging at the glare it got him. “Look, Phil’s trying to be nice about it, but the thing is, you’re currently _already_ hurting all of the Guides you come across. If any one of the ones we try end up helping, they should be able to assist with that.”

As much as he appreciated Clint’s honesty, it did hurt. It was true, but… “How are they doing? The ones that tried to bond with me?”

Even the usually honest Clint couldn’t help but grimace a bit there. Bucky knew that they needed to spend time with a therapy Sentinel, knew it took at least a few weeks, but he wasn’t quite sure how their recovery was going. The way everyone carefully _didn’t_ mention it didn’t comfort him, though.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Phil told him, and Bucky already knew his question wouldn’t be answered. “Helping you is the _one_ thing Steve’s ever really asked of us. You’re the Winter Soldier, and it could benefit us if you were well - ” _fully functional_ , Bucky mentally corrected him, “but we’re doing this because you’re suffering, and because Steve practically begged us to help you out. The current situation is not workable, for anyone, and so we need to change it. So far, the best and most effective way to do that is to find you a Guide to bond with.”

“Except you haven’t,” Bucky argued. The part of him that remembered HYDRA wanted to flinch away, knowing he wasn’t supposed to, but everyone here made a habit of encouraging him to argue, to make his own choices. Everywhere, except in this. (Except, again, Tony, who was incredibly understanding about it all and had reassured him that he could discuss his thoughts with the others. Just when Bucky thought he couldn’t get more perfect.)

Thinking about Tony gave him enough strength to keep going, honestly explaining his worries. “You haven’t found me a Guide to bond with, and I’m not sure you will. You sent in the best options first, and those didn’t work - hell, the fact that bonding failed made everything worse, which makes a next bond even more unlikely to work. So what you’ve got left is the least likely Guides to work, when it’s only gotten _more_ difficult. And I’m tired of breaking every single one of them that comes in here, trying to help me. I just… I want to stop hurting people.”

Both of them remained silent for some seconds after that. It was an unworkable situation, and Bucky knew it. He just couldn’t handle things continuing the way they were.

“So… what’s the less good, less effective way to change the situation?” Bucky asked them.

“We’re not even sure any other way would work,” Phil confessed. “There’s been talk, after the first few Guides, about bringing in a Sentinel to work with you. But there’s not really Sentinels practiced with any of this - coming out of a Zone ‘naturally’ isn’t effective, and tends to require a Guide to work well. There’s also been some discussion about a therapy Guide to help work with you, but with how… well, quite honestly, how fractured your mind feels, chances are they wouldn’t be able to do anything without a bond, and that is even less likely to work out. Sam has even offered to see if a triad bond would work, where Steve could help stabilize him, but… No one really believes that’s going to work, including Steve and Sam themselves, so they’re not sure about risking it unless it’s a last resort. I know they’ve been discussing it.”

Bucky grimaced. He loved Steve, honestly, and Sam wasn’t too bad, but a bond with them? There was no way that would be working, however they went about it. “So really, there isn’t any options,” he concluded, unable to keep from sounding bitter about it.

Even without focusing on any of his senses, Bucky was able to tell that Clint had something else to say. He looked at the archer, raising an eyebrow, and it was enough for him to ignore the way Phil clearly didn’t want him to mention whatever it was he was about to say. “It’s something Nat and I both noticed. And I get it if it’s not something you’d wanna try, but… So far, Tony’s the only Guide that’s been able to be near you for long periods of time, and you seem to be able to stand him despite his… you know, _interesting_ ways of dealing with things. Not to mention the fact that, as much as… Well, it’s not our thing, but you seem to come out of your Zones quicker and less drained when he’s nearby, even when he’s not doing anything.”

For one amazing moment, Bucky allowed himself to consider the option. To be able to have someone that bright, that _wonderful_ , by his side. To be able to get the support of a Guide but, perhaps even more importantly, to be able to help Tony out as well with all of the things it was obvious he was struggling with, even if he didn’t want to admit it out loud.

Then the illusion broke, and he scowled. “None of the other Guides have even come close to working so far, and the risk of something going wrong when attempting a bond with him… We’re teammates, supposed to be working together. If this fails, which it most likely would, and if he ends up getting hurt, he might end up being completely unable to be near me for fear of things getting worse.”

“Really, _that’s_ what’s stopping you?” Clint replied, incredulous.

“What else?” Bucky was honestly clueless. Hell, if he even dared hope it might work out, he might’ve actually tried. But the chances of that going wrong as well were too great. He’d seen the percentages SHIELD had churned out, after all, that they’d based all suggestions of a potential Guide for him off. None of the ones that had tried got lower than 70%. Sam and Tony had been in there just for the form of it, but Sam had only a 47% chance of a successful bond, and Tony… He’d come in at 12%, which was pretty much a set up for failure. It had crushed a hope he hadn’t known he even had, but at least he knew what to expect.

It was Phil who answered, rather more politically correct than Clint probably would have been, but no less honest for that. “It’s just that Tony is not the most conventional Guide, at all, and his tendency of… let’s call it ‘aggressively projecting’, tends to rub people the wrong way. That usually makes people dislike him, and they certainly don’t want to bond with him.”

His first, instinctual reaction was disbelief. Seriously, Tony was _right there_ , and _no one_ wanted to bond with him? Then he registered the rest of it. “Wait, you think he does that projecting on purpose?”

That’s not how it had seemed to him, not when Tony was a fairly private person for all the things that mattered. Then again, maybe he’d missed something somewhere.

“After presenting, the first thing every single Guide learns is how _not_ to project their feelings. I’m not certain how it was in your time, exactly, but the Sentinel and Guide Center was created for the express purpose of testing for potential and training anyone with gifts,” Coulson explained. “Everyone has that training. So yes, any projecting he does is on purpose. It’s been a researched factor that some Guides, especially those diagnosed with narcissism, tend to project on purpose to influence the people around them positively, negatively, or both.”

Bucky quite honestly didn’t know what to do with that. Narcissism was about the last thing he’d say Tony suffered from - if anything, he had way too low self-esteem and was desperate for everyone to like him, though he admittedly had difficulties achieving that.

Vaguely, Bucky remembered that there had been someone when he’d been younger, who had been rather similar to Tony. Daniel had presented as a Guide fairly early, and while most people had someone in their family teach them how to deal with their gifts, Danny’s father had ended up dying in the Great War - what had later turned out to be only the First World War. With no one to teach him, he’d had some trouble coming to terms with his own gifts, and he’d projected more than the other Guides that Bucky had known. Even back then, Steve had been fairly sensitive to that, and Bucky had stopped counting the amount of fights he’d broken up between the two of them. He wondered if Danny was still alive, although he knew it wasn’t very likely.

Still, he’d never pegged Tony as someone who willingly projected. It had happened, of course, and he was a strong enough Guide that it was pretty much impossible to miss even for Bucky, but he got cagey every time it happened. With most of the others, he made himself scarce soon after - Bucky was honestly proud of the fact that Tony didn’t immediately leave him whenever it happened, though he tended to be chased away by the approach of someone else.

Aware that Clint and Phil were still expecting a response, Bucky simply shrugged. If he did turn out to be right, it was clearly something that Tony didn’t like to be public knowledge. The best thing to do was to just keep quiet about it and allow Tony to deal with it the way he wanted.

“Even with the fact that he can be around me without being bothered,” Bucky started, still unsure about all this, “that doesn’t mean we would be able to bond. I’ve _seen_ the SHIELD file - 12% is pretty much a guaranteed failure anyway.”

They looked at one another briefly, but it was enough for Bucky to start wondering what they were hiding.

Before he could start to get angry (which had a tendency of inducing Zones and was therefore a _very_ bad idea), Clint looked back at him. “SHIELD’s never properly tested Tony. He’s always refused. So they were left with the impressions they got of him, the profile Nat made, and the knowledge that he’s never bonded with a single Sentinel. Even after… some of Nat’s profile was debunked, his Guide info wasn’t changed. All three of us have actually argued that it should’ve said ‘unknown’, because we don’t actually know enough about Tony as a Guide to be able to tell.”

He couldn’t help his slight sneer. He’d read Natasha’s report on Tony, which was included in the information packet on the Avengers. Even back then, hardly knowing the man, he hadn’t been so sure it was correct. Knowing him better now, Bucky _knew_ it wasn’t, and had in fact wondered why SHIELD would ever actually think it was.

“We could ask him to submit to a test, if he would be willing to try to bond with you?” Phil offered.

“No, thanks,” Bucky declined instantly. He wasn’t sure yet if he’d be willing to risk hurting Tony by attempting a bond, but he was _damn_ sure that if the other man hadn’t agreed to SHIELD testing him before, he didn’t want to push Tony into it now. And that was _if_ he was actually willing to try. “I’ll think about it, and if I do, I’ll talk to him about it.”

Bucky had some serious thinking to do.

“Just… don’t take too long?” Clint asked, and he actually sounded worried. “You’ve sank into three Zones since the last bond attempt, and during the last one we practically had to carry Phil and Sam out of here. I don’t want to push you, but…” His worry over his Guide was understandable, and Bucky knew something needed to be done. It just seemed like there were no good options.

_Guide_ ❣ _Sentinel_

When FRIDAY told him Bucky wanted to see him, Tony was a little surprised. They ran into one another often enough, and it might not all be coincidental, but asking first was not the way things usually went.

As much as he tried to ignore his embarrassing crush, Tony wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to say no to Bucky if there was something he could do for the other man. Which might be a little dangerous, except Bucky was the kind of person that had never actually asked him for much of anything, let alone anything he wouldn’t willingly give in the first place.

He could feel Bucky approaching. If Tony were to estimate, he’d say the former Winter Soldier had maybe one day, if that, until he fell into another Zone. Despite that, SHIELD hadn’t brought in their latest attempt for a bond with him.

Most likely, Bucky had talked to them about his reservations. That did leave him wondering what other options they’d given him, though, especially since Tony knew that both Sam and Agent had been spending more time outside of the Compound due to their inability to deal with Bucky for longer periods of time, let alone when he ended up in a severe Zone. A cursory check confirmed that both Guides, as well as their Sentinels, had removed themselves from the Compound for now. Bruce was in his own lab, absorbed in his science, though Tony had no doubts that if FRIDAY were to call for him, he’d be over in a second.

The doors to the workshop opened silently, and Tony greeted Bucky with a smile. “What’s up, Buckaroo?”

Something was off, though. Not severe enough that Tony was really worried, but he could feel that the other was nervous. More nervous than he really should be, considering they got along well (or at least,Tony certainly thought so).

“I ah… There’s something… Well, some things, really… That I wanted to… _Should_?... Talk to you about? But you’re free to say if you don’t want to, or if you’re uncomfortable and want to talk about something else, or if you want me to leave, or anything. It’s just… Well, it’s complicated.” Bucky was grimacing by the time he was done stammering his way through his sort-of speech, and honestly, he deserved to only be smiling forever.

So Tony tried his best to put his friend at ease. “Alright, so, deep talk, and I can say ‘no’ at any time. Gotcha. Is there somewhere you’d be more comfortable, though? Maybe we could get something to drink? Or something to eat, even, if you’re hungry?” He knew his fondness for offering food or drinks came from Jarvis and Ana, who had often comforted him in that very way. Once he’d gotten to know her, Mama Rhodes had been the exact same. Even now, years later, he still associated it with comfort and caring.

Bucky considered that for a while, before nodding ever-so-slightly. “A more neutral location might be more comfortable,” he admitted. “Especially if you end up angry at me or something - I don’t want to chase you out of your workshop.”

“No way I’d be angry with you, Snowflake,” Tony assured him with a grin, though he did wave the Sentinel along. “You’re far too pretty to be angry with.”

That got him a huff of laughter. “Pretty people can still be assholes, doll,” he retorted, and Tony could _feel_ the way Bucky got embarrassed when he realized the accidental nickname.

Considering he couldn’t help but feel slightly flustered himself (nor the way it made a bolt of _want_ zip through him that he quickly tried to suppress), Tony elected to ignore it rather than respond. “That is very, very true. But I’m ignoring that,” he said with a wink, leading the two of them into the kitchen where a lot of their conversations had taken place. And because he was completely unable to just do nothing, he made both of them a mug of hot chocolate before sitting down across from Bucky. It was starting to become a thing. “So, what’s up?”

It was clear this wasn’t an easy topic for Bucky, with the way he took a deep breath. Tony tried his best to stay calm and not pressure him into anything. “Okay, so… I’m actually not sure where to start,” Bucky confessed. Considering everything HYDRA had done to him, as well as the way he currently kept Zoning without the help of a Guide to get out of them, he often had trouble getting his thoughts straight.

“Just start at the beginning, I guess. I promise I’ll let you at least finish before saying something.” And that wasn’t an easy promise for him to make either - something that Bucky recognized, considering the way he smiled.

“Alright. Well. After our talk about SHIELD getting Guides for me and everything, and the way I wasn’t sure about it, I discussed it with Phil and Clint. They tend to be the easiest for me to talk about stuff like that. And they got it, of course, but they also pointed out that this wasn’t really working, and that something needed to be done. And I asked them about other ways, but most of them weren’t… Well, let’s just say they didn’t seem likely to work. But then Clint mentioned something else, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I still kind of want to say no, honestly, but…” He trailed off, looking lost as he stared at his mug.

Usually, Tony wasn’t too bad at guessing where a conversation was going. He was smart, after all, and great at calculating odds. Not to mention the fact that his gifts meant he could sense how others felt, which added some more useful variables to those calculations. But he honestly wasn’t sure here.

Once it had been silent for a few minutes, he didn’t think it was likely for Bucky to actually continue. So he spoke up himself. “Look, if SHIELD only has bad options… I mean, they’re good at what they do, but they’re a spy organisation, they’re hardly experts at psychology.” And if there was a slight flash of bitterness at the report they had on him, well, that was only fair. “I know they’ve been trying to keep you a secret, so it’s only people inside the organisation. But I do want you to know that there’s other options - I can call in some people that might actually be able to help. I know there’s this one Sentinel-Guide pair in the Air Force, at least, that helps both Sentinels and Guides after they’ve lost their bonded, and they were able to help Rhodey out before. It’s not entirely what’s going on with you, but they’re experts at helping out _without_ a bond, and they’re able to help stabilize each other. I’m pretty sure most high-stress jobs actually have at least one such pair around, if not multiple, though I only personally know of this one. And if you want that, or if you want me to look for something else, I just want you to know I can do that for you. It’s _your_ choice.”

He could feel that Bucky was very tempted. Then again, he could also feel that this wasn’t the reason Bucky had wanted to talk to him. Right now, he seemed torn between the two of them.

“Can I ask you a very blunt question?” Bucky seemed hesitant to ask, but he spoke up anyway.

And, well, Tony really wasn’t able to refuse him all that much. “Of course. Though I do reserve the right not to answer.” He wasn’t sure what it was that had Bucky this nervous, but it probably wasn’t great.

“What… I mean, how…” Tony could feel his frustration with himself rising, and he clenched his flesh hand to the point where the knuckles turned white. Then, he apparently decided to just throw it out there. “What do I feel like, to you? I mean, as a Guide. Because no one else is able to stand being around me for too long, but you’re just… living here, and going about your life, and you seem fine.”

That really hadn’t been what he expected, though he supposed it was understandable. After everything, Bucky was probably very unsure about ever finding a Guide that could stand to be around him for any period of time, let alone bond with him.

“It’s… I don’t know if it’s different for me. It’s not really something Sam and Coulson seem to be able to get used to, but it never really bothered me that much? So it’s possible that if you find the right Guide for you, they’re actually less bothered by it. I mean, it still feels unpleasant, but… mostly unpleasant for you, I guess?”

For a few moments, it looked like Bucky hesitated about what to say. “It’s… Sam and Phil have both described it as feeling like knives, or shards of glass. Like it was cutting them. It doesn’t feel that way to you?”

“It does, but… I’m not sure how to describe it. For me it’s more like… I don’t know, maybe I’ve got thicker skin? It still feels sharp and uncomfortable, but not _cutting_. Not to me, at least.” Tony shrugged, trying to keep from grimacing. Maybe it was his lack of ‘official’ training, but he just couldn’t seem to find the right words to figure out what Bucky felt like to him. ~~Or maybe he was just so used to hurting that Bucky wasn’t all that bad, all things considered.~~ “I’m sorry I can’t really describe it more precisely.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both sipping at their mugs. There was still more, Tony could feel it. Or perhaps it was just the same, except he hadn’t helped at all because he wasn’t able to give a good answer at all since everything felt different to him than it did to trained Guides.

He focused on steadying his breathing, trying not to project the bitterness he felt towards Howard. The last thing Bucky needed right now was _more_ bad feelings.

Eventually, Bucky sighed, and Tony could sense how conflicted he felt. “Alright. I’m not sure how to say this. And part of me just wants to agree with that… the pair that you suggested, to see if they can help. Because I don’t want to end up hurting you.” Tony only had a few seconds to wonder before Bucky continued. “I mean, they gave the report on the likelihood of bonding, but then Clint and Phil told me that your number was pretty much made up, and apparently Clint and Natasha have been considering that it might be worth seeing if we could bond. Except I don’t want to make you do whatever SHIELD considers testing, and I don’t want to force you into this, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you, and I’m still not sure it’s a good idea, except I couldn’t help but keep thinking about it and wanting to…Well, wanting to try a bond with you...”

As he trailed off, an awkward silence fell. Tony felt frozen. He’d always been curious what it felt like to get a mental blue screen, and quite honestly, this was probably it. For a few seconds, it honestly felt like couldn’t even _think_.

Then, of course, his brain made up for that by crashing twice as hard as usual, thoughts almost tripping over one another as they crossed his mind.

A very, _very_ significant part of him was screaming ‘yes’. Honestly, the thought that any Sentinel, let alone someone as amazing as Bucky, would want him as a Guide had seemed like some kind of far-off dream ever since presenting. Beautiful, but forever unattainable. And now Bucky was actually sitting here, in front of him, someone who’d suffered so much and who had been so brave and who deserved all the good things in the world and more, asking if they could try for a bond.

On the other side, there was also a very significant part that was screaming ‘no’ for a huge variety of reasons. There was the fact that, if this got messed up, things would be uncomfortable at _best_ , and would end up getting the both of them severely hurt at worst. And while Bucky wasn’t doing great due to everything that had happened to him, had been done to him, he was at least a _proper_ Sentinel. Tony wasn’t even a close approximation of what anyone would consider even close to a good Guide. Hell, considering everything, he might be the _worst_ Guide, and he knew it. Everyone knew it. The entire _world_ knew that Tony Stark was either an awful person or an awful Guide (or, according to plenty of people, both). And Bucky deserved so, so much more than him.

Tony had no idea how to be anyone’s Guide. He honestly didn’t even have much of an idea how to be a Guide in general.

There was no denying that he _wanted_ to. If he could, he’d give Bucky the _world_ if it would make him happy. But Bucky deserved so much more, so much better than Tony. He deserved someone who’d be able to help him. Because even if Tony didn’t fail at creating a bond with someone, even if it somehow worked out better than with all of the other (experienced, proper) Guides Bucky had tried bonding with, he had absolutely no idea of how to go about doing any actual _Guiding_. His skills were barely enough to keep himself sane, and there were definitely days where he wondered if he managed even that much.

Now, more than ever before, he couldn’t help but _hate_ what Howard had done to him. Because Bucky needed so much more, _deserved_ so much more, than him. And maybe, if he’d been allowed the training that he should have had, he could’ve been enough.

He’d cried before - when Howard had forbidden his training, had told him he was to be a Sentinel or _nothing_. When he’d come into his gifts, without any training to help him mitigate the influx of sensations. When Rhodey had tried to help, but none of his methods worked properly for Tony and he didn’t know any that could manage Tony’s gifts. When his Aunt Peggy had slowly distanced herself from him, uncomfortable with his nearly unrestrained projection.

But back then, there had been a sliver of hope that he might one day figure it out. A thought that maybe, once Howard didn’t have control over his life anymore, he’d be able to find some ways to get better, learn how to be a proper Guide. A dream that he might, one day, find a Sentinel to form a bond with and that would be there for him the way he would be there for them.

Years later, he could recognize the way ~~Obie~~ Stane had pushed him to act a certain way, had used his lack of control over his abilities in order to manipulate him. He knew now how projecting was only part of his problem, since he also couldn’t control the input he got, which people had been able to use against him, sometimes without realizing. But by the time he got his wake-up call, dying and feeling _everything_ in an Afghan cave, it had been far too late for anything. He’d even tried, after Stane had died, to find someone to help with learning how to deal with his gifts.

Realizing the palladium had been killing him back then had only been part of the problem. The rest of it was realizing he’d never be able to be a Guide to any Sentinel, not the way they needed. It was realizing he would always be feeling everyone, would always have to be very careful about projecting because one way or another, he couldn’t stop projecting. It was realizing that the little bit of hope he’d carried around, that one day he would be able to feel that _connection_ to someone that he’d heard so much about, was never going to be more than a dream.

And now there was a Sentinel, the best he’d ever met, the man he’d had half a crush on from some of Howard and Peggy’s stories before he’d even met him, and he _knew_ he’d never be good enough.

“Tony…” The strained whisper pulled him out of his thoughts, and he was shocked to realize he was still in the kitchen and he’d completely lost control of his projecting.

Bucky was clutching his head like he had a headache, and Tony was only barely able to sense the fact that at least he hadn’t fallen into a Zone due to his idiocy. “I’m so sorry,” he gasped, sounding far too much like he was about to cry for his own comfort. Shit, his feelings had gone completely out of control.

As he scrambled to collect himself somewhat, it almost felt as though he was trying to scoop up water into a leaking bucket with his bare hands, slipping through his fingers and some of it leaking straight out of the bucket again, but he needed to _stop projecting_. Clutching desperately at all of the lessons Rhodey had taught him back at MIT, he tried to force all of it back inside, keeping up a steady stammering of ‘I’m so sorry’ as he did so. He would’ve moved away, left the Compound, if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was taking all of his focus not to completely fall apart.

Oh Gods, why couldn’t he stop ruining everything he touched?

_Sentinel_ ❣ _Guide_

For the first time, Bucky kind of understood why people would have trouble being around Tony. Not for the first time, however, he conjectured that Tony’s projecting was not done on purpose. There was no way, after all, that Tony would actually be alright with sharing _this_ much of his feelings with anyone willingly.

As much as it overwhelmed him, he was a little shocked to find that he was no closer to a Zone than he’d been before. The fact that Tony was right there, feeling all of this within what was objectively maybe one minute (if even that) was enough to keep him in the present.

He knew Tony was trying to rein it in, could actually _feel_ how the maelstrom of feelings slowly started calming down and retreating. Ever so faintly, he could hear the Hulk in the room Tony had designed for everyone’s safety - when Tony had lost control, it had no doubt spread through the entire Compound. And as much as he couldn’t control it, Tony was _very_ strong. In fact, he might be one of the strongest Guides Bucky had ever come across.

Part of him wondered if it was his strength that meant the training hadn’t worked as efficiently on Tony as it did most others. Another, bigger part of him guessed that might be a vain hope, however. Whatever had gone wrong in Tony’s life, it was more than that.

Breathing through the feelings wasn’t easy, and Bucky tried his best to sort it all out. If he were to guess, he’d say Tony actually did want to try for a bond - for a brief moment, after he’d mentioned it, there had been hope, and eagerness. But they’d quickly gotten utterly _buried_ underneath the avalanche of negative feelings that had followed. And honestly, if anyone thought Tony was a narcissist, they’d clearly never been around for anything like this, because the utter disgust and self-hatred that he’d projected had nearly crushed Bucky.

Even now, trying to get some control over it again, Tony kept apologizing over and over, curled into himself and looking incredibly strained.

Vaguely, Bucky remembered some of the tips his mother had given him about dealing with a Guide in distress. He focused on making his breaths even, tapping his fingers on the table to the rhythm of one of the songs Tony had introduced him to. In an attempt to make things a little easier on Tony still, he concentrated on the memory of watching the stars from the roof of the Compound, trying to capture the feeling of calm he’d felt in that moment.

To his relief, it seemed to help. More than before, he could feel how the air cleared some, and Tony’s breathing calmed down and started to get in sync with his own breathing.

It still took some time, but that didn’t surprise him at all. Losing control like that couldn’t have been easy, and Bucky thought it might be rather similar to a Zone. If it was, he wouldn’t be too surprised if Tony was feeling absolutely awful right now, even without considering the guilt that he could feel in the air.

He tried to focus as much as possible on steady, calming thoughts, pushing everything else to the back of his mind - the tiny, frightened voice that wondered if he shouldn’t just have kept his mouth shut, and the angrier voice that wondered what had _happened_ to Tony to make him feel this way (and that was willing to go and commit murder if it would help him at all). It wouldn’t help to panic Tony right now, after all, not when he was trying to recover some of his composure with the desperation of a drowning man.

Once he estimated he’d be able to stand without falling over due to being overwhelmed, Bucky got up to make the two of them some more hot chocolate. It might not be any help at all, but so far it _had_ calmed him down a few times, so it might be able to do the same for Tony. Not to mention the fact that he was keeping busy, instead of being focused on the Guide still sitting at the table, might help a little.

By the time he put down Tony’s mug in front of him, the air was relatively clear, though it was more than obvious that the other man still wasn’t even close to alright.

“Thank you,” Tony rasped out, pulling his mug closer.

Bucky was tempted to speak up, to apologize for even mentioning it or telling him not to think about it anymore, but… But there had been that moment of projected _longing_ , calling out to Bucky in a deep way that he couldn’t ignore. So instead, he waited Tony out, keeping any and all judgment out of his feelings.

For a few long minutes, they were both silent, simply breathing in the scent of hot chocolate. Then, Tony finally broke the silence. “I… Honestly, Bucky, I wish I could, but… I _can’t_. You _know_ I can’t. I’m… I’m a terrible Guide, a terrible _person_. There’s no way I’d deserve… And I’m… I’m not even sure I’d be able to help you, the way you need, the way you _deserve_. And I wish I could, I _really_ do, but… I’m just not…” He trailed off, shoulders curled up defensively and not looking up from his mug.

There was a _lot_ going on, and Bucky wasn’t even sure he knew half of it. But he did know he disagreed. “Look, I… I don’t know what you think I know… Wait, that sounds weird. It’s just… You say that you can’t like I should know that, and… I don’t. Know that, that is. And I definitely don’t think you’re a terrible person. I don’t even think you’re a terrible Guide, though I do…” _wonder_ , he didn’t say. “I don’t know everything. And if you don’t want to be… If you don’t want to try a bond, that’s fine with me. I don’t want to force you to do anything, ever. But… You’re not terrible, not at all. You’re one of the best people I know.”

It took a lot of effort not to avert his eyes when Tony finally looked at him, gorgeous eyes wide and incredulous, but Bucky didn’t want him to have any doubts about whether he meant what he’d said.

He could hear the way Tony swallowed, could feel the nervousness in the emotions Tony couldn’t help but project. “I…” Trailing off again, the Guide looked away, something infinitely sad in the way he looked, and Bucky would do _anything_ to erase that expression from his face. Then, Tony sighed. “I’m not… a good Guide. Everyone knows that, really. And… It’s not that I don’t want to be. But I _can’t_.”

“I don’t understand,” Bucky confessed, hating that he made Tony uncomfortable but unable to understand what he meant. Tony was one of the strongest Guides he’d ever met.

Fingers clenching and unclenching around his mug, Tony glanced at him briefly. “I… I should tell you something, but… Please don’t tell anyone else about this?”

“Never,” Bucky swore immediately. “But you know you don’t _have_ to tell me anything if you don’t want to, right? I mean, I want to… but you’re allowed to say ‘no’ without an explanation, and I’d respect it. I swear I would.”

Even without the projecting, Bucky would’ve been able to tell how grateful Tony was. In fact, if he had to guess, it might’ve been the fact that he had said that and _meant_ it that had the Guide deciding to go through with telling him, despite the obvious effort it took him.

“I… I don’t know how much you know about the Center and the training, but I… Someone’s probably told you by now that they always send someone to train prospective Sentinels and Guides, right?”

Bucky nodded, not quite able to contain his curiosity. He maintained that Tony appeared quite similar to Danny, but that did mean there was a reason he hadn’t been trained, despite it being standard nowadays instead of depending on the family.

Nodding as well, Tony looked back down at his mug, taking a sip that Bucky suspected might’ve been for strength. “Well… Ehm…” Clearly, this was anything but easy for him. “Let’s just say Howard wasn’t… very pleased… when I tested as a Guide. He’d have preferred a Sentinel, like Steve, or nothing at all. A Guide wasn’t… Well, he didn’t want a Guide for a son. And I don’t know what he told the Guide who was sent to train me, or if he paid her, or… But I didn’t get that training. I’d still like to think that it wasn’t just money, but I’ll never know and… Well, even after I presented, there wasn’t any official training. I mean, Rhodey helped me, and I’ll forever be grateful to him because otherwise I’d probably have gone mad… madder?... but they teach you the best methods for your skills, and the ones he’d learned didn’t work for me. And even after Howard… Well, you know… Even after, there were reasons that I couldn’t, or… It was just all awful, and confusing, and I didn’t deal with it well at all. And by the time I could, by the time I tried to, it was way too late.”

Finally, Tony looked him in the eyes, although he appeared to be preparing for a rejection. “I hardly have any control over my abilities. I can keep from projecting for a little while, and I _have_ learned fairly early on how to at least cover some things by projecting other things, even though that’s hardly ideal. But I can’t control it, and I wouldn’t even know where to _start_ with a bond. Even if we could bond, even if that part worked out, there’s absolutely no guarantee that I’d be able to help you out with anything. I have no idea how.”

It took a lot of effort for Bucky to keep his emotions under control. A part of him, a fairly big part if he was honest, wanted to go back and kill Howard almost a decade earlier than he had. (He did instantly regret the thought, if only because he’d killed Tony’s mother as well - Howard, well, he wasn’t sure he could quite regret as much anymore.)

Another part was torn between feeling bad for Tony and, selfishly, wondering if that meant he couldn’t bond with Tony after all. (He didn’t like that selfish part of him, but that didn’t mean it didn’t exist.)

More than anything else, however, he could feel determination fill him. It was strange, and he couldn’t quite explain it, but he couldn’t help but feel like he wanted to try. (And yes, okay, maybe he could explain it, because there was still that selfish part of him and he _wanted_ Tony, wanted to bond with him and protect him and…)

Of course, he wasn’t the only one deciding that. “I’m not… I mean, my ma trained me, and I used to be a good Sentinel, but… that was a long time ago. Before HYDRA, maybe even before the war… And I can tell that you disagree,” he interrupted before Tony could say anything, unable to help smiling just a little when the other man only _barely_ managed not to pout, “but I’ve made more than a dozen of experienced, trained, supposedly ‘well-matching’ Guides leave the building in the middle of a breakdown. Hell, the only reason Phil and Sam can be around me is because they’re bonded to other Sentinels, and even they need time away. But you haven’t. And I might be naive for thinkin’ it, but I’m… I’m hopin’ that means something. I’m hopin’ it means that there’s a chance, slight as it is, that maybe… Neither of us are perfect, and we drive other Guides and Sentinels up the walls, but you’ve never bothered me, and you can deal with being around me, even when I’ve gone into a Zone. So… I’m just tryin’ to say… to ask, really… And if you don’t wanna take the risk, that’s fine, I understand and I won’t judge you for it at all, but… I’d like to try. To see if we could be compatible.”

He tried to keep as calm as possible. He meant it, absolutely, but he could more than understand if Tony didn’t want to take the risk. Whatever equilibrium they currently had, a failed bond could definitely cause some trouble, especially considering they both had a rather… tenuous hold on their abilities.

“You’d really want to? With _me_?” Tony’s uncertainty made Bucky want to… Well, it made him want to do a lot, including but not limited to murder, and there were a lot of reasons that wouldn’t be a great idea.

As a result, he was a little more honest that he might’ve otherwise been. “Absolutely with you. If I’d had any reason to believe that there might’ve been a chance… Trust me, you’d have been the _first_ Guide I’d have approached,” he confessed. Hell, to be fair, Tony actually _was_ the first Guide he’d approached, considering SHIELD had provided the rest of them. For the first time, he felt like he was making his own choice when it came to a possible bond, and even if it did turn out that Tony decided not to for any of the possible reasons, Bucky wanted to remember this feeling of _freedom_.

Perhaps Tony realized that he was actually Bucky’s first choice. Perhaps he felt like he couldn’t say no. But perhaps, he wanted to try this as much as Bucky did, wanted this to _work_.

Because in the end, smiling hesitantly, Tony stretched out his hand over the table. “If you honestly want me, and, well… I’ve wanted to. I didn’t think I should, and I didn’t think I _could_ , but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to. So if you’re really sure… Then yes.”

Bucky had no illusions that it would miraculously solve all of their problems, least of all immediately. But as he stretched out his hand to meet Tony’s, for the first time he actually felt like it could work, like they could actually form a bond, like maybe their broken pieces could fit together and complement one another.

And when the initial bond snapped into place like it had just been _waiting_ for the two of them to touch, Bucky could feel his own joy and wonder reflected in Tony, resonating back and forth and filling both of them with a sense of utter euphoria that Bucky couldn’t remember ever feeling before. For the first time in his memory, he felt _complete_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and hopefully you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Also feel free to come say hi on my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/). Have a lovely weekend!


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